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where is summer

i have not been on this in such a long time because it seems i forgot about it

its summer now. finally. 

it sure as hell dosnt seem like summer at all. nothing exciting has happened so far. i have not hung out with any of my girlfreinds, so what does this mean. that next year, will be the same as last. i try so friggen hard to be shut down, or i say something only to have eyes rolled at me by a few; makes me feel fuckign useless 

; he is all i got. it is so embarrising. i just hope that this being the last year of this hell hole, that things will move up, and move on. i cant have fun in this place without being fucked up. its so bad. i just want a best girlfreind, who i can gossip with, and like cry on the phone to. rather than using my boyfreind as both that and a best freind. its really lame. i go to parties, and they just seem akward cause i dont have that relationship with any of my freinds where i can be like, ahh pee break. i dont know. it just sucks

the only time i am truly mylsef is with my cousins, and that is even more loserish of me. i love going to my lake because everyone likes me, and my freinds there dont beak my every move.

i just want to hope that high school will be good this last year, and that the maturity of certain individuals will grow, cause so far, i am so above their petty antics, at least i think, and hope, that i am.

the boys stare; we smile back...

yesterday was a fan-tabulous day!

i went out with B* to a book store for like an hour and a half. the woman working there was like, "hey is this your sister?" [ she asked me that because i was there like twice already this week] and i said no, and then the lady said, well you guys just look close enough to be sisters. 

i wish.

but after the book store we went to starbucks then to her house and watched our Camp dvds. it was really good. there wasnt an akward moment or anything. i think we will always be like that. the type of freinds, that even if we do grow arpart, we will always have that "same-ness" abotu us that will keep us close. I sure hope so.

my freind D* just called and said she was having a high school musical2 party tonight. haha
that will be super fun. i hope i can go. but like it just seems all of a sudden, why do they want to chill with me?
should i just like let it be and accept it, or be wary?

i never know what to do.



                                      ...one is me and my man

well, maybe.

somone actually cared. I got a text at like 9 this morning from B*. it was more of a wake up call thing, but maybe she wants to actually do something. HOLY FREAKING SHIT! she probably wants to borrow something of mine, hardly a cause for me to get happy. i hate high school. so much drama. its just ridiculous. i just hear everything that is said about others, thank god i don't hear whats said about me, because its just retarded. some people need to grow up and like get some self esteem or whatever, beacuse, whats the point of being a gossip bitch? 
This is real funny. My boyfreind went to a party and some girl went up to him and said, "your girlfreind is a slut."
WTF?!!?!?!?! first of all...i have been with the same guy for like a year and a half. That hardely can be mistaken for slut "behaviour". and second of all, if he is dating me, why the hell would he care if im a slut or not, hes with me isnt he? wouldnt he already know what comes with the package? 

fricken girls. and this other chick. She like is constantly hanging out with him and his freinds. like playing tennis with him and stuff. thats lame, or low, or like weird, considering two out of three of these guys have girlfreinds.. funny part is, she is my "friend". well i think the idea of us being freinds is sweet. but i really cant tell you the last time we did anything. so HA! yeah she also went with him to the mall one time, and they had fun, played games, and went in a mother f***ing photo booth together. yeah! just them! he sayd they have NOTHING  AT ALL. but its still hard. i think i get relaly jelous sometimes, but others, i dunno. I think i really might have an argument about some things. 

Im not too sure what im doing today. probably staying home again. maybe ill see jared. 
but yep. like i said, most likely nothing.
what a little fag.

I'd say; good day!

Ah, where do i start.
yeah here, EASY
i woke up and called jared. told him to come over, "yeah sure I'll be there 2:30 ish?"
yeahhh thats great sweetie.. and two hours late he shows up. He was playing tennis with his freinds.
Thats fine. bum fart!
My aunt and uncle had a bedroom suite that  i was supposed to get. RIGHT ON!!  But no people, hear me out... This suite is at least 10000 years old. And its this nasty brown color.. I'm gonna try and make it look better with some paint, some how. Maybe some gas and matches will work... After picking up this disaster suite me and jared watched one of the james bond movies, well not much was watched. You kinda have to say you watched it or else people would start to be worried as to what you actually were doing!?!? you know?

I just started this tonight, or rather this morning. School starts in like two weeks and I havnt hung out with any of my "freinds" at all this summer. First two weeks i was at camp. It was a leader ship course. Probably that was the best part of my summer. For two weeks after that i was at my lake with my family. You know, we do the boating, tubing, skiing wake boarding thing. Im pretty lucky to say that i get to bring my boyfriend sometimes, thats probably the best part.

I wish I knew in what direction my life was going.  I want to lose weight and get in shape. I want to get great grades this year, cause we all know i need to apply for scholorships. I honestly think i can say I have no real freinds. I have three i can think of off the top of my head, who would be with me through thick or thin. Well maybe only two. One of my freinds, ill call her B* really is only there for me when our other "freinds" arent. I mean i feel like im a fill in. When someone is absent, ill slide into that persons role, and be fun and happy for a day. When the whole crew is in attendance, im just outside the ring, trying to find even a hairline fracture to wedge my way in.
Its freaking brutal. 

I have no idea what to do, or what i need to change in order to get my life on track and to find out whats important to me, and most of all WHO is important to me.



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July 2008


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